[Netsod/💜💚]Random angsty headcanonThe Sephirahs mostly retained their human self's original personalities and memories when they were made into mechanical bodies. Even though they might briefly forgotten their pasts, it'd all come back in full (at least most of it) to them after their core suppressions. Well, except Netzach. Due to how Cogito affected the mind, Giovanni's brain had probably been irreversibly damaged by the time of his death, which eroded his memories and personalities to the point that there's barely any "him" left when Netzach was made.

As such the result is a facsimile of what Giovanni once was, with only vague strokes of his strongest emotions, and scattered memories of what he held dearest remained in his mind. Even after his core suppression, not much of his previous lives returned to him, and he no longer felt like he was the same person from that bygone times. By all purposes, he was pretty much a different individual wearing the same face as his original self.

When Yesod remembered being Gabriel, he felt that disconnect. The Netzach he always knew during this current life was nothing like the person he remembered. Netzach doesn't remember a single thing about Gabriel, nor the times they spent together back then. He didn't remember the better days before Carmen's death when they would bicker about the most inane, trivial things, the moments they held hands, the times Gabriel brushed his hair that had begun to grow long... Nothing really rang a bell in his head.

Netzach acted nothing like Giovanni. Their personality were completely different, perhaps they could even be called to be opposite. And the fact just bothered Yesod way too much. Even though he had known Netzach for way longer than Gabriel knew Giovanni, the one standing before him felt like a stranger. Even though he still cared about Netzach and would never turn away from him, it still felt off and wrong and uncomfortable. The feeling slowly ate away at him and left a gaping void that grew larger and larger and threatened to consume his heart.

He tried to ignore it, tried to act like everything was normal, and nothing had changed. Netzach must still be Giovanni, even if he had changed. Perhaps he just couldn't accept that person he knew in his previous life was gone for good. Perhaps he just couldn't bear him being replaced by another.

The feeling persisted even after they woke up in the Library. Although it had slowly faded away as he gradually accepted Netzach once again, as interacting with him became more bearable than before, it never really went away completely. It remained at the back of his mind, occasionally tugged at his heart, and surfaced when he was left alone with his own thoughts. Perhaps this was just how it would be, he thought. Perhaps he'd have to live with it as long as he remained here.

That was until a particularly difficult and grueling reception. Yesod was deployed to lead against the first wave, and while he managed to secure victory, it was an extremely close call. Every single assistant librarians on his floor had either fallen or suffered grievous wounds, and he was in no shape to continue to the next wave like that. They retreated to the Floor of Arts, still tasked with treating wounded librarians due to their past experience in Safety. Netzach was exhausted himself, still recovering from a long, tedious reception that came just before, but still, he rushed by Yesod's side.

In a moment of frustration, Yesod blurted out that he could've finished them all if they could buy more time to coordinate. In response, Netzach quietly picked up his weapon and replied, "If time is what you need, then I'll give you time."

Yesod wasn't a fool. He knew that in this current state, if Netzach and his floor was to be deployed again, they would for sure be wiped out no matter what. It was practically suicide, even if they managed to successfully weaken the guest enough for him to enact his plan. So of course, he objected, not wanting to see them walking straight to their deaths.

(They'll come back after the reception, but of course, everyone forgot the fact that they can't die permanently during the whole thing for the sake of building up emotions by actually putting their lives on the line.)

Netzach didn't stop. He didn't even raise his voice nor show any sign of hesitation. Yesod's nickname rolled off his tongue the same way it always did.

"Yesod the Viper, the most cruel and ruthless Sephirah of our company, the most dutiful and level-headed Patron Librarian... he definitely would understand why I do what I do, right"

When their gaze met again, Netzach's eyes were so clear that they seemed to pierce through every corners of his soul. Just like at that moment, in the distant past that they once shared, when Giovanni raised his hand and signed his life up for that experiment, knowing the dismal chance of success. Pure, resolute and filled with a quiet determination. Fearlessness.

At the core, they were still the same person. Who followed his light until the bitter end, knowing it would burn him away to nothingness. Who still clung stubbornly to hope, no matter how futile or delusional.

"I'm not doing this because I wish to throw my life away. I simply want to live it fully without any regrets."

Giovanni was never truly gone, despite his body and mind having long been eroded away. Even when he had changed beyond recognition, his soul persisted.

And yet it took so long for Yesod to realize that simple truth.