Relationship growth (still a wip)I don't know when I start realized it. Before I know it, I was deeply in love with her.

At first she was just a saniwa to me. A master who wields me. Nothing more. Once battles ends, I'll probably be thrown away just like before. That's all to it. That's all should be to it.

Because at the end, I am a tool, a weapon of war. I have no use for other reason. Battlefield is the only place I could shine.
I don't hate peaceful time. But all at the same time, I loss my only purpose to be in existence, so I prefer a place where I can be useful.

Our time of existence clashed no matter how you look at it. I was born during the glory of war, she was born during the serene time of peace.
I wouldn't expect anything from someone who never understand the heat of battle, because she's unfit to hold something like tool of war.

Back when I was newly manifested, she took me with great care, but I misunderstood her attention and I assumed that she thought I was fragile. I was naive, I lashed out to her angrily without be considerate towards her feelings.

I was naive. She did all of that out of care. She was just being overly worried. Because I used to look like someone she used to love, she can't helped it.

"Masakuni-san...wait, I can't call you that. Do you mind if I use nickname"

"Call me whatever you want. I don't really care anyway."

"Then...how about tanuki-san"

"...when I said call me whatever you want I don't mean it like that."

"Eeeeh No take back You said I can call you whatever I want..."

I thought with that, the awkward relation were slowly going away.

It wasn't half bad. I was her aide for quite while. Despite being clumsy, she still diligently learning and studying the way of battle and warfare.

In return, I tolerate with how she treat me like person, eventhough I preferred the latter of being treated like weapon.

Being the closest person watching her grow from a naive saniwa to a reliable and capable saniwa is pretty rewarding, eventhough she can be a little bit too worrywart at a times. But when she's confident on certain things, she never doubt or hesitate to send out the touken danshi off to battles.

It wasn't bad. Now that I could see more of what kind of person she is, it's not half bad.

Regardless, even after all that, I could feel how she start distancing herself away.

At the same time, that's when I couldn't take my eyes off her. Every moves she makes, every word she talks, it got ingrained in my mind. Before I know it, I could tell what she was feeling. I could tell her habits. I could tell what's her favorite kind of food.

My stomach would start flutters whenever she laughs. I would feel tickles in my chest whenever she's smiling. My heart would start beating so fast I think it would burst out whenever I see her. It's to the point it creeps myself out.

Let alone distancing herself, she doesn't even look at me when she's talking with me.

I was frustrated. Don't turn your eyes away. Look at me like how you do with others. That's unfair. That's unfair. Why are you treating me like this Why do I feel these feelings Is this normal Does other touken danshi feels so strongly like this too towards you

Even as I cornered you, you still shut your eyes. Open them. Open them. Look at me.

And when she did, there's sharp pain instead of warm eyes she always did with others.

---------- why.

Why are you looking at me with such eyes. What did I do that I hurt you Hey, tell me, what should I do so you stop looking at me like that Who is it that I should cut down

I filled with so much desires, that my body moved first, as I leaned in and force her a kiss. It was clumsy, and it was rough because she was struggling to get out of my hold, but I still managed to get in a kiss.

At the corner of my mind, I was laughing at myself. The being that claimed to be a tool of war is acting just like a human. That's right. I was mad back then because she was treating me like a human. But now I am acting like one. I desired her so much, just being by her side isn't enough. Closer, more closer then this. I yearn her so much I wish we were one.

The long kiss parted when she forcefully pushed me away as she gasping for her breath, shaking her head.

"I... I shouldn't....I shouldn't be doing things like this with tsukumogami like you..."

That stings my chest a bit. I know I am a weapon. You don't have to tell me that.

"I, I am sorry, Tanuki-san...if you'll excuse me, I'll be heading to my room. Starting tomorrow, I'll switch you from being my attendant. I'll act like nothing happe-"

What.

"Y-you said before you doesn't like how I treat you, s-so you probably hate me, that's why..."

What, are you. What are you saying. I don't hate you. Don't mess with me. Don't get the wrong idea. After driving me this nuts, you just going to say that I hate you

Act like nothing happened So you just going to throw away this strong feelings I am experiencing right now To hell with that.

I got so fired up I punched the wall and caused her to shiver.

"What the hell do you mean by that. What the hell you mean by I hate you. Who is the one avoiding me Just because I said that doesn't mean I hate you. Where did you even come up with that idea"

Drip, drop, drip.

----- no. No, don't cry.

"...I can't blame you even if I want to. Tanuki-san, it's because you're the spitting image of person who I used to love, I can't blame you. That's so cruel. Even if I tried, I can't stop seeing you as that person. That's why I avoid you."

Is it my fault then

"What I could've done I can't stop grieving whenever I look your way. I wanted to see you as Doudanuki Masakuni, but I just can't. That's why I distance myself. Maybe I just need some space, I thought. But you---"

Is it my fault that when she looked my way, her eyes are painted with grief

"How should I feel when I get kissed like that Should I feel happy Should I feel sad I don't know I don't know..."

What I could've done to comfort you I don't know either. But I don't want you to grief when you look at my way. Something. A way. Is there any way I could comfort you I couldn't think of anything. I don't know what I could do right now.

Reaching out and grabbing her hand in mine, I put her palm on my chest. Can you feel it Can you hear it It feels like it would burst any minute. If I can't comfort you, then at least, I want you to know how strong I feel about you.

"... Is that your heartbeat... It's this loud..."

"It's so loud I thought it would burst. I only feel like this when you're around. Even when I am in middle of sortie my heart never thump like this. It's annoying. It's frustrating."

"...eh"

Don't eh me, idiot. This girl had no idea how much she drives me crazy, for freaking sakes. How dense can you be

"I don't know anything about the person you used to love. And I don't give a damn. All I care about is I want you to look my way without that grief in your stare. So tell me how. Teach me. I'll do anything you want so that when you looked my way, you're smiling and laughing too, just like when you're with others."

With that, I feel like I saw something sparkling in her eyes. It feels like something new was born. I don't know what it is, but it's different from the grief she always had in her eyes.

"Is that, is that how you feels..."

Yes. I don't know how to fake feeling and such, and I don't see the point of doing that.

Her face soften up. And a smile finally drawn on her mouth before she lift her head up to look me in the eyes.

Haha. She finally look up to me. I was filled with joy. Is it what human called one I was happy when I get to do sortie, but this one is different kind of excitement.

She still calls me tanuki all this time and at this point I truly don't care like I said it first time. There's something warm in it now whenever she calls me that. But I do notice since that day, her cheeks will blush more easily whenever we talk.

She will avert her eyes, but this time it's out of embarrassment instead of avoiding my stare.

When I consult Mutsunokami, he just laughs it out and said there's nothing wrong with her, she's not sick or anything.

"That's just how people react. Good for ya."

I am still confuse with his answer, but if that's what he said than that means I haven't done anything wrong.

Casually our days goes on and on.

Thanks to Mutsunokami, I learn a lot on how to help her out while being her aide. Particularly on how she usually tugged on someone when she's nervous. She would tugged on someone sleeves whenever she start being anxious, so it becomes my habit now to make sure my arm is within her reach.

At times I saw how she would also gripped hand in hand with Mutsunokami, but she turn me down when I offered to do the same.

"No way I could held Tanuki-san hand in mine," she said.

Her voice is cracking when she said that, so I assume it's because she was nervous if she do it with me.

She would sheepishly smiles when she's with me. At times she would be sweating, and when I asked what's wrong, she start panicky flailing around and said "Nothing is wrong, I just like having you around."

Somehow, somehow this is the side where she only showed to me. When she is with other toudan she would still have composure around them.

I don't know why, but knowing I am the only one who get to see this side tugged something in my chest. Something special.

One summer day, she was staring at the garden as she was resting by the engawa. "There's a lot of them bloom too this year," she happily hums.

I was confused if she was talking about flowers, because there was none by the garden area she was sitting.

"It's the dandelion, Tanuki-san. They're my favourite flowers. Well most people consider them as weed, though..."

Favourite flowers. Favourite flowers, huh. Dandelion is her favourite flowers.

I couldn't see it other way around anymore ever since that. When I am in sortie I would take a few minutes staring at it whenever they're around. When I am on surveys I would start plucking them and brought them home.

These are her favorite flowers. These are her favorite things. She hums happily just by seeing them.

It was a hassle trying to pluck it and bringing it home. I couldn't figure out how gentle I must be with these things. The first time when I tried bringing it home, it was all scrunched and blemished, I don't think we can even plant it around honmaru.

It's so frail. It was so delicate.

I was surprised when I Iearn this was one of the persistent weed when it comes to surviving under rough condition.

"Why did I love dandelion, you asked"

Those blue eyes darting around trying to come up with proper answers while her cheeks gradually turns red.

"I...I love to blow on the seeds a lot. Plus I am not a pretty bright person myself, so I feel like I am like dandelion compared to other beautiful flowers."

I see.

"But, I want to be like them. Dandelions sways freely through the breeze and could carry themselves wherever they go. It's an amazing fit, don't you think"

And with that, she sheepishly laughs while rubbing her head.

"Well I think people might find my reason stupid though, ahaha..."

No, I won't let that happen. If someone were to make fun of it I would cut them down.

"Plant these down... These much of dandelions... Doudanuki-san, you're amazing... But why dandelions... I thought they're weeds"

Gokotai tilted his head. His tigers comes to his sides and start sniffing piles of dandelions inside the kabuto helmet Gokotai is holding upside down.

"I couldn't care less if it's weeds or what they are. What I care is it's her favourite flowers. That's why I collect them."

"Aruji-sama favourite flowers..."

"I'll leave them in your care. I can't handle them so well or else they'll get destroyed."

One day, Mutsunokami approach me regarding the matter.

"Was it wrong"

Mutsu shake his head, his warm smiles still curve within his lips.

"I just thought how much yer had changed since ya manifested. Ya know, even being a starter of this honmaru, I didn't know her favourite her flowers. I don't know if yer had any reason of bringing back a lot of them, but I want to thanked yer if ya do it for Hana."

Why did I start collecting them I wonder too. I just thought it would be nice if she smiles and hums happily more. It's just self-indulgent wish of seeing her being happy. If that would make her happy, I'd pluck all dandelion I can find.

Mutsu eyes slightly widen like they're shocked, then it squinted to that warm stare again.

"I am so glad that she picked the right person."

"Mm Do you mean as aide"

Mutsu laughs heartily. "Ya will find out one day."

At least I know it's not a bad thing to do. So I still could plucking these flowers.
When she's slacking from her work she would start pluck some of the dandelions and start blowing on them. Like a child would.

She would only do this when she's alone, so when I caught her doing this, I wouldn't mentioned anything about it.

Occasionally I find it troubling enough that the saniwa always lingers around in my mind, but it's not to the point I would consider it as a problem.

Even as night comes around and I can't sleep thinking about her, I would start doing some push-up or simple exercise to distract my mind in hope the exhaustion from doing it will drown me into sleep.

That one night when I was doing plank, she comes to my room, looking troubled. She hugged a pillow while her eyes looking down to her feet.

"Is it...is it alright if I ask to sleep with you tonight I am having nightmares and Mutsunokami-san is out on long surveys, so..."

Right. Mutsu mentioned how Aruji would having nightmares about her past. Whenever that happens, she would ask to sleep together. And because Mutsu is out, she ask for me instead. There's small joy cheering from my heart, but I don't understand why. One for sure is that, this is the first time she would be sleeping with me.

"I am sorry if I was disturbing you in middle of night exercise..."

"Think nothing of it. It's just my way of killing time."

"Killing time"

"...recently I can't fall asleep that easily, so I just do exercise until I am tired."

Saniwa, who is lying beside me on her futon, gives me a frown.

"...I am sorry, was it because I set you as aide..."

"It has nothing to do with that, what do you mean"

"...I see."

Silent again. But again, it's the saniwa who speaks up.

"...Tanuki-san."

"Yeah"

"C-can...can I hold your h-hand..."

Something burst up inside. I was so overjoyed. Ah, this is happiness. After all, the saniwa never touch my body directly except during repair. This is the first time she's touching my bare skin on her accord. No way I am turning it down.

Without wasting any second, I reach out my hand for her to hold. She look blankly at it first, confused stare followed through, before hesitantly looking at me. I give her nod, showing it's okay to hold it.

She then clumsily wrap her fingers around my palm. Her hand slightly shaking, but she still tried her best to firmly hold it.

Ah, ah.
It's so tender. It's so fragile. Unlike man hand who tends to take care of the sword, their hands tends to be rough and hard. It's the total opposite of what woman hand feels like.

Then that's when it's dawn on me.
One cut and it'll be over for this person. That's all it'll take to kill something this fragile. I won't let something like that happen. As long as she stay in honmaru, she should be safe.

She is unfit to go to battle, and that's fine. I have this body now. I'll go to battle instead. If I lost an arm or a leg, as long as my main body is fine, I can gain those back. But this person.

One cut, she'll lose her arm forever.
One crushed to the bones, she'll be paralyzed forever.
One slash to half the body, she'll be dead forever.

"Tanuki-san... Y-you don't need to grip that tight..."

A concern voice pulled me out from my thoughts.

When I blink and look at her, her face are painted with worries, but it's gone as soon as our eyes meet. "D-don't stare at me like that...please..."

My eyes trails back to our intertwined hands. It was slightly hot from within our gap, and I can feel her hand is sweaty. Nonchalantly, I speak up.

"Your hand is sweaty."

She whacked her hand away so quickly in panic, and turn her back against me.

"I-I am sorry. I am sorry, I am so nervous. I am sorry..."

"What are you doing"

I grabbed her by the shoulder and pull it over so that she would be facing me. Her face is dead red. Her eyes in darting in panic. Such sight cause me to chuckles, before stretching out my hand again.

"I just said it's sweaty. No one said you can't hold my hand if it does. Was it like this too with Mutsunokami"

She grumpily shakes her head. "If it's with Mutsunokami-san, I would have been sleeping now..."

Ironically, I don't think I can sleep for the whole night with her being here. I just want to watch her sleep soundly.

"...what did Mutsu do to help you sleep"

"Eh"

That question seems to caught her off guard with her tone is.

"...Mutsunokami-san always told me stories. From what happened in surveys to various kind of folklore he knew. Before I know, I would fall asleep."

I slightly gripped her hand again.
I am not good at story telling. I can't do it like how Mutsu does it then.

"Anything else"

She stares blankly to the air, before her eyes moves back to our intertwined hands.

"Not much, I am sorry..."

"Don't apologize."

I shifted my body so that it's closer to her now.
"Then if you have anything on your mind, come at me. Let off anything you have from your chest."

Her eyes were hesitant as she stare at me. Then she tiredly shake her head before saying, "I don't need that. All I need is for you to be here. That's why... please let me hold your hand a little longer. It makes me feel safe being hold like this."

"I see. Then hold it all your want."

"Thank you."

That was the last thing she said before she fall into slumber. And as I thought, I couldn't asleep at all during the whole night. The warm sensation of her hand wrapping my palm keeps me awake.

That was fhe only night she sleep with me, but I couldn't forget a single second that happened that night. There's time where I wish she would sleep with me again so that I could feel that warmness again.

That was truly the peaceful times. She send me off to sortie, and she'll always wait at honmaru for me to come back. She'll still treat me at how bad my wounds gets, and still send me out to battle thereafter.

I took these for granted.

Until that thing happened on that day. We don't know how, but our honmaru was breached. A flock of black feathers took her away within a blink of eye. The saniwa was kidnapped just like that.

Emergency report was placed and a time government saniwa was sent instantly to investigate. Fears and horrific thought couldn't stop crawling around the corner of my mind. I couldn't sit still at all. Aruji. Aruji has no battle experience at all. She doesn't have any weapon at all to use as her protection. She could've lost her life at any seconds.

And moreover, she's alone. Aruji is alone with no protection. The terrific thought of her dying drives me crazy.

"Please wait here until further order. I have to investigate more regarding this to get a clue on her whereabouts-"

Don't fuck with me. I am not waiting here doing nothing. Who knows what happen to her right now by wasting time waiting.

"What you could've done with zero clues of where she could've been"

"..."

"Being reckless here will not bring you profit. If that thing were to killed your master, it wouldn't go as far as kidnapping her in the first place."

"Even so, like hell I'll sit here waiting..."

"Doudanuki."

A stern voiced spoke. It's Mutsunokami.

"I understand yer rush, but it's what he said. We have to get some clues first. Or else we'll get nowhere."

Doudanuki narrowed in disbelief.

"Not you too..."

Before he realizes it, he looks around. The rest of touken danshi give a firm gaze, showing that they're agree with Mutsunokami.

Doudanuki jaw dropped, flabbergasted by the sight he's seeing. His eyebrows were furrowed frustratedly, and the edge of it was twitching. Vein around his diluted eyes are visible. He's in total dismayed.

"All of you..."

Being pressured by that amount of gaze, Doudanuki hung his head down in defeat. As he clenches his fist and gritted his teeth in anger, he silently head back inside honmaru.

Shishio come closer to Mutsunokami and whispered.

"It doesn't seem that he's contented."

"We both know he's not. But this is for the best. I am worried about Hana too, so that's why we have to find clues on where she might be as soon as possible."

(To be continued)